it was a matter of miserable time

2010-03-08T12:53:00.000-05:00

Where did I go?

The only thing I can say is that I smoked. I did, and I regret it. But, at the same time, I realize that everyone has their own ways of quitting. It took me awhile to find the words to say here.

Cold turkey was driving me crazy. And, I felt even worse if I smoked. I know there is more to quitting than just stopping. I've had to teach myself to say "no" when offered, I've had to teach myself to deal with a craving instead of just giving in, I've had to avoid situations where smoking is a habit... Most importantly though, I've had to learn that smoking doesn't define who I am.

I've always thought smoking cigarettes was part of me. My parents both smoke, my favorite people smoke, I loved the smell of it, I loved how I felt/looked... Even so, those feelings varied between the good (i.e. the thoughts I just listed) and the bad (the smell, it looks unattractive, it's unhealthy, it's addictive, it's expensive, I was setting a bad example...). Maybe this sounds ridiculous, but the one emotion I have the hardest time overcoming is the image in my head. It is classic, feminine, sophisticated, lovely, musked, bitter, attractive, intelligent, sexy...

Smoking cigarettes is not analagous to these things!

In fact, you know as well as I that smoking makes you look like shit, smell like shit and sound like shit. So, why the hell can't I overcome this one last remaining bit of my addiction?

Give me some feedback. What is your honest opinion about smoking and people who smoke? Also, do you feel differently about smoking when you see a young, handsome person (above) versus some nasty hag at the Ram's Horn?

Day Four

2010-02-24T22:10:00.001-05:00

I miss the feeling of being a badass.

Okay, I thought the days would be getting easier, but alas! They are not!
My cravings are becoming more sporadic; however, they are more intense. Let me try to explain to you what I go through.

First, something triggers my craving. For example, a picture of someone enjoying a cancer stick. Then, I begin to think about that beautiful thing hitting my lips, lighting that magic wand and inhaling the smooth, sweet serenity. Oh god, this is when I go into shock mode. My whole body just aches for it. Obviously, my rational brain goes, "NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE!" and tries to rationalize that smoking, even a small amount, will mean defeat!

Well, as you know, the irrational Sam knows this cannot do. She has an intimate love affair with Marlboro 27's. Her unconscious takes over and tries to negotiate and convince the other side.

This could go on for minutes, hours... But, in the end, I'm left exhausted and defeated.

I think I'm getting sick from withdrawing. I'm starting to feel pretty rundown and tired all the time. But! I did get the courage to get into the gym today. Although, I left feeling worse than I did going in. I am reminding myself it'll get better soon.

Day Tree

2010-02-23T19:00:00.000-05:00

JUST SOME FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
There is definitely this lovely stigma behind smoking. That it is for delinquents, people who don't give a fuck about their well-being or that of others.

I won't lie. I feel that way too often. Like in one of my prior posts, I said that I didn't have a good enough reason to quit. I realized I was coping with my stress and loneliness in the most ignorant way possible. But, misery loves company and I seem to find more friendly people when I smoke.

I'd like to share with my readers a text I received from a really new/supportive friend when I told him I was having trouble.

"You will. Even a few moments of weakness don't mean total failure. You can do it."

DAILY DEBRIEFING:
Today was really tough for me. I am really exhausted and run down. All I want is a fucking cigarette. I feel like I'm going crazy. This addiction is just got writhing inside me.

I keep trying to remind myself that the feeling will pass eventually.

I'll tell you what though, I feel significantly healthier. No weird aches/pains. No chest tightness. No light headedness. I'm not short of breath. I don't smell weird.

I could use some more encouragement, though. Feel free to leave me some on my formspring.

Day Two

2010-02-23T18:48:00.001-05:00

Sorry about the late notice. I had an update but I didn't save it.
Anyways, my update for yesterday was that I was not feel up to speed but I wasn't craving anything. I kept my distance from anything that made me want one, including people. I smoked a TINY bit of hookah, but I didn't even want that.

I spoke with one of my roommates about how I felt about my nicotine abuse. That I feel like I am more likely now to pick it back up years from now. It's like drinking or having sex. If you never do it by the time you're 30, it's not likely that you ever will. This shit is a fucking gateway.

Do you have anything you feel are addicted to, even if it isn't a drug?
http://www.formspring.me/sburgess

day uno

2010-02-21T21:59:00.001-05:00

Something for you to sit and toke on:

When smokers quit -- What are the benefits over time?

20 minutes after quitting: Your heart rate and blood pressure drops.
12 hours after quitting: The carbon monoxide level in your blood drops to normal.
2 weeks to 3 months after quitting: Your circulation improves and your lung function increases.

Immediate rewards of quitting

Kicking the tobacco habit offers some benefits that you'll notice right away and some that will develop over time. These rewards can improve your day-to-day life a great deal:

your breath smells better
stained teeth get whiter
bad smelling clothes and hair go away
your yellow fingers and fingernails disappear
food tastes better
your sense of smell returns to normal
everyday activities no longer leave you out of breath (such as climbing stairs or light housework)

My daily debriefing:

I always try to remind myself that I'll feel a lot worse if I smoke. That doesn't seem to have an effect a lot of the time, like at this moment. I don't know about any of you, but it seems like I associate certain actions with smoking. Such as, drinking alcohol, drinking coffee, driving, being at concerts...

Anyways, I'm trying to remind myself if I go out and buy cancer shtix, not only will I be wasting $7.00, but also $3.00 in gas. The minute I light up, my whole car and my clothes, my hair, my lips, my hands will smell like that wonderful smokey aroma. You know, that smell you get a whiff of when the old man in the Carhart jacket stands next to you? Lovely.

Then, I'll keep smoking, enjoying the sweet taste of failure until I remember how I'll be hacking a lung at the gym the next day. Then, I'll decide not to go to the gym and continue to eat nothing all day and starve at work. As I get halfway through the cigarette, I'll throw it out deciding that I'm going to quit again... after I plan where I'm going to light up later.

Precursor

2010-02-21T10:34:00.000-05:00

This is my blog about my journey after quitting smoking cold turkey.

I know that most smoker's want to, but have various excuses preventing them. Mine varied; "I'm addicted", "I like it", "I don't have a good enough reason to quit". Ultimately, what it came down to was that I wanted to quit these shit sticks eventually.

I am scared. Cancer, emphysema, blood clots, heart disease, death. It all scares the pants right off of me. I know that one day I'll die, but at this moment in my life, I don't feel like accelerating it.

But, I think what scares me the most is that even though I am committed to quitting now, what about months, years down the road? I feel like because I've already had the history, it'll be easier to pick it back up. I don't want that to be me. I don't want to have to go through this nonsense again.

Please ask me questions if they exist.